Sunshine School Uniform

So it is fairly rough, and any helpful hints would be appreciated, but what I really want to know is what do you think of the character after reading this. What impression does it leave? (Is she selfish, a lone soul etc..)

Also, I'd love to know the usual comments, if you want:
Would you read on?
Written well?

Glancing around the emptying school yard once more, Florence stepped through the iron gates with a sigh of relief. Hoisting her bag higher, she made for the path across the street where she hoped to slip away without notice. She pulled her floppy straw sun hat onto her head and crossed her arms over her school uniform. For the first time that day she was mildly happy. There would be no more pretending for her today, now that she was away from the people at Audrey Hill’s College and she was itching to spend the rest of her day in the warm, spring sunshine.
The garden beds were booming with colour and the grass luscious and green. Florence longed to enjoy the honey aromas which floated through the warm breeze but for today she didn’t think she could. It was September thirteenth; her birthday.
There had been a time once where Florence enjoyed the thirteenth of September, but that was when she had someone to share it with. It had been their favourite day of the year, both turning that little bit older. She had been truly happy then and her heart had been unlocked, open to care for anyone and anything that was present in her life. She didn’t need to pretend to care for these people, she just did.
It was long ago now, since Florence realised she didn’t cared much, realising at the same time that those who cared for her were just tools for her to use. She could immerse herself among her group of friends when she wanted to forget about any real feelings and she could use their sadness, if it ever aroused, to feel not so pathetic herself. She would allow them drag her out and she’d let any offer consume her in order to fill herself with a fake happiness.
Finally Florence realised that it all just made her weaker and that those times had been the worst times. Thankfully, these days Florence felt her heart lift subtly, and at sometimes even a little bit more. She was able to say no on occasions and slight emotion was beginning to re-enter her blood stream. But it wasn’t enough for Florence to make her forget how much she had lost, and at such a young age. She knew deep down that she could never truly care for a person again and it was because she was scared. She didn’t care for her friends at school, or her aunt, or her neighbours like they did for her. She was too frightened because she knew if she cared again she would be vulnerable again, and she couldn’t deal with another loss of someone whom she loved.
It had been almost exactly ten years since Florence had stopped caring, since her only real friend had gone. Ten years since they made a promise to care for only each other, and for ten years Florence Lock had kept her promise, leaving her almost completely alone.



:S thanks :)
I;m from Australia!! So yes, it's in the spring for me. :)

Haha I just saw your other question about the seasons in australia so Jen's answer made me laugh. :)

I think it's really good!

"The garden beds were booming with colour" - shouldn't it be "Blooming" instead of "Booming?" to fit the scenery of the flowers? Also..color is spelled without a 'u' but I know it's spelled differently in different places.
I think you should say "There was a time once when she enjoyed her birthday" instead of repeating the date.
"allow them TO drag her"
The last sentence doesn't seem to flow very easily. Maybe split it into two sentences?

Sorry if this isn't the best editing job I've done. I'm extremely tired today lol. Good luck and I hope this helped at least some.

2010-08-07 18:40:49 by The Floo Network [Electric Feel now]

pinoybiscuits.blogspot.com

I didn't want it to be descriptive, this is original fiction, obviously. Any feedback? Comments? Criticism? That would be appreciated.


My first look at Ansleigh Carragher, was her bow.
It sits a top of her blonde curls, sunshine yellow with hot pink polka dots, it’s a change from the lacklustre scarlet and charcoal colours of our school uniform. You can see it, bobbing up and down the crowded halls of King’s Manor School, you can’t miss it.
You can’t miss a girl like Ansleigh Carragher. Nobody can, and that’s why everyone knows her name, why everyone obsesses over her, why everybody wants her approval, why she is so popular
And yet, despite all this, you don’t know anything about her.

She’s everything you want to be, everything you despise, everything you aspire, everything you need, everything you hate.
But everybody loves Ansleigh Carragher.
Everyone loves her mystery, they all want a part of it, just one little fact, and if they’re lucky, maybe a secret, maybe a confession, maybe a regrettable mistake.

Everyone loves her mystery, they all want a part of it.
I want all of it.
I want all of Ansleigh Carragher.


(If you want to see the link to the story, just ask.)
Wow, I've never heard of Stargirl, I'm gonna go check it out then. Thanks. :)
http://stories.mibba.com/read/254542/Wis hing-for-Ansleigh/

Here's the link. Only got the prologue out though. :)

Wow! I really do like this! It’s not very often that you read or hear about a unique, mysterious, and yes, Stargirl like person who is popular. It’s very original. Your writing is fantastic as well. Lovely use of words and paradoxes/oxymoron. I’d love a link too. :)

2010-03-15 23:10:02 by Affie Garvey

Price: $9.99 $6.75

At Monster High school spirit takes on a decidedly different twist
Clawdeen Wolf is the daughter of the Werewolf
Includes doll, team uniform, trading card, and sport piece-count

Okay So I am not to sure whether the tense is correct.
Help if it's not!
any other opinions and comments?


Glancing around the emptying school yard once more and stepping through the iron gates, Florence breathed a sigh of relief. Hoisting her bag higher, she made for the path across the street where she could slip away without notice. She pulled her floppy straw sun hat onto her head and crossed her arms over her school uniform. For the first time that day she was happy. There would be no more pretending for her today, now that she was away from the people at Audrey Hill’s College and she was itching to spend the rest of her day in the warm, spring sunshine.

thanks in advance.
Yes, past is what I want.

The grammar looks good. I would try to get the character's name in sooner. Four gerunds in two sentences is probably three too many. Consider something like the following for the first sentence:

Florence glanced around the emptying school yard once more and stepped through the iron gates with a sigh of relief.

It presents the information in almost the same order as yours, but I think it's clearer. You can keep the second sentence starting with a gerund, because the reader will assume you're still talking about the same person.

2010-08-01 18:40:07 by The Floo Network [Electric Feel now]

Price: $9.99 $10.95

At Monster High school spirit takes on a decidedly different twist
Includes doll, team uniform, trading card, and sport piece-count
Monster High also has the hottest fashions to look killer on the field

For English, we had to write 3 beginnings to our own autobiography, that are all different.
Here are mine. Please read!

Number 1:
There is one point I would like to make clear to you before I start; my life is hideously average. There will be no grand adventures where the protagonist overcomes all obstacles to do what’s right, though there will be plenty of drama; there will be no glory and the ending will be fully unsatisfying in its lack of closure. The characters in this play we dub life will often not be politically correct, and have little concern for things agreed to matter, such as politics or laws and all that important stuff. You ask, why bother writing then? Why not write about something more exciting? I bother, because even though, all my hopes... all my triumphs... all my problems... will be insignificant grains of sand lost and forgotten in time, they are important in their own way, you know? The right words to express this hover on the end of my tongue, just out of reach. Whilst in a hundred years no one will care about any of this, it is still important. I want you to grasp that every trivial problem the human race frets over is still of consequence; that if nothing we do matters, all that matters is what we do. Do you understand the doublethink?
This my story and I’m only going to tell it once.

Number 2:
I write this from a town bench in central park; it’s 6 'o clock and my school uniform is heavy with rain and I’m slowly eating a strawberry ice cream; my hair is pasted to my face and is hindering my ability to actually see what I'm writing; I'm tired and numb to the bone with the penetrating cold, but above all, I'm euphoriously happy. Why? For no real reason at all. I feel the rain constantly pelting my hair and savour every second, lulled into a sense of peace as the steady pelting as rain continues on, calming down the banging drum in my head and freezing my ever-pacing thoughts. I get up and start spinning down the path with only the tree's to hear my laughter.
“Yes”, I shout to myself, still spinning with my arms flung out in greeting to no one. “It's true indeed, anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the pouring rain.” For some reason I find this hilarious and start laughing madly as I twirl over to one of the fields and lay in the mud staring up into the grey clouds. I'm sure mum will be murderous when I get back for ruining my blazer but I can't bring myself to care. I can't remember ever being this happy, this free in my almost-15 years, and I relish every second I have before reality drags me down again.

Number 3:
Life; you’re born and then you die with a lot of complicated $hit happening in between. The same goes for me though I haven’t reached the dying part yet. I’m meant to tell you about the little details that no one really cares about – like I was born in November 1995, in the city hospital, without any real drama, perfectly normal. I could probably go on about how it was a beginning and how it was so emotional and touching, but that’s crap and I wouldn’t want to read about that. So I’m just skipping to the excitement and drama – the complicated $hit - that’s happened in my life, starting from when I was eight.
Here’s what happened.



How would you rate each one out of 10?
The best?
The worst?
How to improve?

Thank you =]

I actually really liked all 3 :)
The third one reminds me of the first chapter in the catcher in the rye, interesting, have you read it?
I think I'd go with number 2. Although all 3 are very good, number 2 sets a scene and I like that.
I don't want to rate them out of 10 cos they're all so good, but I'll tell you my favourites in order.
2, 3, 1.
Whatever one you choose I think you'll get a good grade :)

2010-07-17 08:53:43 by PiecesOfPeace

can someone translate this into urdu?

Our school has implemented different policies to meet the needs of our students. We encourage all students including the South Asian student to learn to respect each other in a multi-cultural environment. For example, South Asian students are allowed to wear part of their traditional costumes- Salwar Kameez and Hijib (head scarf) incorporated into their school uniforms. We have employed two South Asian teaching Assistance to prove support for the South Asian kids. Each South Asian students is also assigned a sunshine teacher it prove them with frequent interaction. It is hoped that our constant concern and love will become the base of our caring campus.

hamare school nay hamaray talba ki zaroorton ko poora kerne ke liye mukhtalif tareeqy wazaa kiye hain.hum tmam talba bashamool janoobi aishiya kay talba ki hosala afzayi kerte hain keh wo is bynulsaqafti mahol main ayk doosre ka ahtraam karain.msaal ke tor per jnoobi aashiya ke talba ko un ki riwayti lbas ka kuch hisa pihanne ki ijaazat hai.shalwaar qameez aur hijab in ke school ki wardi main shaamil kiya gaya he.hum ne dw janwwbi asshia ke ustad ko nwkri di hai takeh wo janoobi ashia ke bachon ko apni madad farahem ker sakain.ye umeed ki jaati hai keh hamari ye tawajah aur muhabat hamaray idare ke liye acha sabit hogi aur is ki bunyaad bane gi.

2009-04-05 23:22:00 by silly pari